When we attend a funeral or a memorial, we all wish to express our condolences in the best possible way. For many of us, it can be an awkward task choosing the appropriate words. The purpose of this article is to share with you what I have learned over the years and through various interviews, what the bereaved found helpful, and what they found irritating.
Your friend who has had a loved one die, will be feeling many emotions such as being alone, confused, angry, guilty, hopeless, frustrated, tired, numb, disorganized, jealous, and deeply saddened. It’s also important to remember that for the grieving person, death is a problem that has no solution. That’s a potent emotional state and you must absolutely take your cue from the bereaved.
Begin with, “I’m so deeply sorry, we will miss Mike very much”. If the person is numb, that’s probably all you need to say. If the person is talking, crying, assure her that it’s all perfectly normal, and you may even prompt her with open ended questions like “tell me more about Mike”. Try to acknowledge the dead person’s name.
A bereavement counselor gave me an excellent piece of advice – we have two ears and one mouth- listen, listen, always remembering you can’t fix death. Which is why I believe it’s better to avoid phrases like “things happen for a reason”, “Mike’s in a better place”, “I’m sure he’s watching us right now”. You don’t know her journey, nor her deep, utterly personal beliefs so in your nervousness to “fix death” avoid those sentences which carry an element of judgement. It’s really not your role to decide if “Mike is in a better place”.
As far as note writing you may want to use this as guideline:
Dear Sophie:
George and I just learned of Mike’s death and we wanted to convey our deepest sympathy. You and your family are in our thoughts during this very difficult time.
We have such fond memories of Mike, all those camping trips and how he insisted on cooking gourmet meals in just one frying pan – we had some interesting dinners didn’t we? Remember the combination of fresh fish and creamed corn! We had such fun together and I simply can’t imagine what you are going through now.
Please know we are thinking of you all.
With love, George and Mary
(please, there is no need to answer this note)
As time goes by, again take your cue from the grieving person. If she doesn’t talk about Mike a year later, then you don’t. If she does, then engage her in memories, stories, anything she wants to share. There is no correct timeline for grieving – everyone’s journey is unique and just because it’s been three years, don’t assume their pain is over. Best to avoid the “snap out it” attitude. Do you recommend grief counseling, group support, or any related therapy? Only if the person asks. One man’s wife died, he went back to work immediately, and retired 10 years later. Now he would like to attend a support group – it’s so completely different for everyone.
Families do find food, notes, impromptu visits, and books on grieving helpful. Often there is much attention in the first month and visits, dinners, phone calls dwindle – try to allow for breathing space and assess how the grieving process is progressing , perhaps pop by once a month? Perhaps phone, perhaps a few flowers now and then. You’ll know.
In summary, reach out, give the person a hug, say how very sorry you are, remind them they are not alone, and so crucial, just listen.
